Praise

Praise

One of the greatest takeaways I have gained from this course is learning about praise. For me, my love language is words of affirmation. Hearing my loved ones express gratitude, compliment me or offer support boosts my confidence! It was interesting to see how that connects with parental praise. Growing up, I was involved in many extra curricular activities such as, choir, show choir, theatre, swimming, volleyball and church. While learning about praise, I was able to see how it affected my relationship with my parents.

I grew up in a unique set of quadruplets. I loved it! But everything became a competition between us, especially when we were younger. I knew I was “ahead” of my other siblings if I got more praise than they did. This changed drastically as I neared the end of high school. My sister joined show choir with me. This was a HUGE point of contention for a while. But, later it became a way for my sister and I to connect and bond with each other. Everything I participated in then became something I enjoyed, instead of just a competition. I think this had to do a lot with how my parents praised us as children. They were very careful not to praise one child too much.

Praise is so important in how a child sees themselves and interacts in the world around them. In the article, “Are We Spoiling Our Children With Too Much Praise?” it states, “A child who is praised often will begin to crave the satisfaction he or she gets from pleasing their parent, teacher, or caregiver. Instead of doing something for the pure joy of it, the child will begin to do it simply for the praise. This is not a healthy cycle, and it can turn children into approval addicts. Their worth comes from the recognition they get rather than an inner sense of achievement or fulfilment.”

In other words, if a child receives too much praise, they soon start to only do things for praise and not because they enjoy what they are doing. It is a very careful pendulum swing. When must give our child enough praise that they feel accomplished, but not too much that they only do things for that sole reason. They lose their passion for things they enjoy and will be in constant competition with themselves.

The article continues stating, “One simple way is to praise the effort over the outcome. Not only does this encourage them to keep doing whatever it is, it takes the focus away from “good” and “bad,” placing it on the idea that working toward something can be its own reward. In other words, instead of thinking about praising our children, we should be concentrating on encouraging them. Some psychologists are keen to emphasize that we need to provide specific feedback rather than overall generalizations. We should also work toward creating an atmosphere where children feel safe making mistakes. Failure is part of the process of learning and is something we often overlook.” By understanding how we should praise children, we can effectively motivate them. We encourage them to push themselves for themselves.

Validating Emotions

Validating Emotions

A major take away I gained from this course is learning about parents validating their child’s emotions. This is something that I really had no previous information on. Growing up in such a large family, I felt at time that it was difficult to connect emotionally with my other siblings and my parents. I felt at times, emotionally alone. Being a quadruplet, I felt like I was constantly being compared to my other siblings in every aspect, especially emotionally.

Because we were the first of my parents children, I don’t think they really began to understand how different were operated until we were much older. My parents learned and changed how they reacted to us emotionally. Sometimes my parents were so busy that they didn’t take the time to understand my emotions it seems.

I learned in the unit that especially when a child is young, emotional validation is important and vital to their needs. Emotional validation is in the words you speak to your child, facial expressions, body language, and even the tone you speak. All of these are important in understanding your child’s emotions and interacting with them. I think the one I latched onto the most was the words we speak to our children. This is important to me because I feel like amidst all the noise in my own home, it was harder for my parents to actively care about my feelings.

When speaking to our children, it is important to acknowledge how they feel, and encourage them to put those feelings into words. To do this, parents must first be willing to listen to their children.

Emotional coaching is another vital part to emotional validation. Teaching your child how to understand and express their emotions is important in their everyday functions and how they interact with others. In Emotional Health video, Dr. Gottam discusses emotional coaching stating, “Well the first step is really noticing kids emotions, even smaller emotions, and considering an opportunity for teaching or getting close to the kid.” This doesn’t just mean you acknowledge your child’s feelings, but you help them and teach them to understand what they are feeling. Even as a baby, it is important to understand how your child expresses emotion, and how to healthily respond to them. In doing this, we teach our children how to understand their emotions and accept their reality.

Dr. Gottam goes on saying, “The second is really helping the kid to feel understood, so being compassionate, validating the kids emotion, really on communicating understanding of the emotion, helping the kid verbally label all the things the kid is feeling, and then you know helping the kid really understand the feelings, where the feelings come from? and then setting limits if there is misbehavior. But communicating that, even though it is misbehavior.”

In this, Dr. Gottam is explaining how even though a child’s feelings may be real, the way they are expressing them might not be effective or healthy. In this, we can teach our children how to correct this. Dr Gottam continues stating, “Not all behavior is acceptable, all feelings and wishes are acceptable. And that sort of acceptance, and limit setting, and problem solving--if for example the emotion is sadness or fear, as opposed to anger and misbehavior—is very important and those steps we call emotion coaching.” He is stating that all emotions are valid, but that expressing them in a healthy way is much more safe for the child and parent relationship. How we react to our child’s emotion is just as important. Children often reflect their parents emotions. For example, when your child is angry it is best to acknowledge how they are feeling, validate those feelings, and respond in a calm demeanor. It’s easier said than done for sure! Although this is difficult at times, praying to see our children the way Heavenly Father does, we are able to understand them and be more compassionate. We can better cater to our children’s needs both emotionally and spiritually when we understand our Savior more.

As children get older, it becomes so much harder emotionally for a child and parent relationship. Many teenagers become more self involved and distant to their parent’s emotionally. I am so grateful that my parents tried to understand me more emotionally as I got older. As each of my siblings and I started to mature emotionally, we became a lot more different. I am so thankful that my parents tried to understand these changes. Even though I thought my parents were overbearing at the time, looking back I know they tried their best to understand my needs.

Parenting Styles

Parenting Styles

One of the major pieces of knowledge I took away from my learning journey is the different parenting styles. In the parenting styles video, I learned about the three different styles of parenting including: a jawbreaker, a marshmallow and a tennis ball. Although I knew the different parenting styles, this was a different way for me to learn about them. For me, I had never heard parenting styles being compared to animate objects, but it truly helped me understand each style individually. I was able to visualize my parents and other examples I had around me growing up. I was better able to analyze the types of parents mine were, and what I want to become.

The video first discusses a jawbreaker, or authoritarian parent. This parent is strict and rigid when it comes to disciplining. They take away their children’s agency and opportunities to learn.The video discusses a pendulum swing between the two different types, where on the other side is the permissive parent or the marshmallow. This parent is soft. They are a push-over when it comes to rules and discipline. They on the other hand give their child too much agency to the point where they become irresponsible or reckless. In the middle of the pendulum is the authoritative parent. This parent is an equal balance, that sets healthy boundaries with their kids while still allowing them to make their own choices.

“A tennis ball is firm on the outside, but has an incredible amount of give. In fact, the amount of bounce that a single tennis ball changes over time, which can be likened to learning, changing, and progressing over time while parenting.”  A tennis ball is also fuzzy, representing softness, or a warm and fuzzy personality, one that is approachable.” This really helped me understand my own parents style.

Although both of my parents were different in style, they were both authoritative. My parents were able to set healthy boundaries that respected my agency and helped me to learn from my experiences, both successes and failures. My parents gave me more freedom as I got older, but I knew that with this freedom came great responsibility. I knew that my parents trusted me enough to make decisions for myself. Although I failed most of the time, my parents were still a guiding and loving light in my life. They taught me that failure is a part of life and that as long as I learned from it, that I wasn’t failing.

“Parents who apply an authoritative style of parenting have high levels of warmth and high levels of expectations, yet they are willing to guide and negotiate with their children.” I can totally see this in my own parents! Although they weren’t perfect, they rarely disciplined me without discussing my perspective. This helped me become more independent and confident in my own agency. Because my parents taught me the right principles and let me use my agency when appropriate I was able to learn for myself. This was a powerful lesson, and something I want my own children to know.

Although there are many things I would want to do differently than my parents, I am so grateful they allowed me to use my agency to the best of their ability. An authoritarian parent understands that agency is a gift from God. I want to parent in a way that is still loving, yet effective in disciplining my own children.

Brigham Young once said, “I will here say to parents, that kind words and loving actions towards children, will subdue their uneducated nature a great deal better than the rod, or, in other words, than physical punishment.”  This is one of my favorite quotes because it explains perfectly how a parent can still be discipline their child and still be loving. By seeing their own children as children of Heavenly Father first will always be beneficial for your child.

Understanding the responsibility and stewardship that parents have over children helps us better understand how to interact and help them along the path back to Him. When we take away their agency and try to make every decision for them, we are not only taking away their opportunities to learn for themselves, but also to experience pain and joy. This is not part of Heavenly Father’s plan for us. Teaching children about agency helps them better understand how they can interact with others. They are better able to understand the choices of others and show compassion towards them.